The Only Way to Prevent Firearm Suicide in America

Photo by maxzzerzz ❄ on Unsplash

Trigger warning: suicide & satire.

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At long last, after losing thousands and thousands of Americans every year to firearm suicide, after countless hours of toil and study by Ph.D. level suicidologists, after innumerable millions of dollars spent on careful research, after myriad meetings of suicide prevention and gun violence prevention taskforces and workgroups, after careful coalition building with the firearms industry, suicide loss survivors, activists, advocates, clinicians, and other assorted stakeholders, after gallons and gallons of blood spilt from self-inflicted gunshot wounds by individuals who reached the utter limit of their hopelessness, helplessness, and despair and made the decision to end their lives with the most lethal means possible; after all that, at long last, only I — a barely educated suicide awareness advocate who isn’t funded by a university or grantmaking institutions, isn’t a Board Member or even affiliated with some national, state, or local “prevention” organization, and doesn’t even fancy footnotes or endnotes very much — have hit upon the ironclad, cannot fail solution that will forever definitively prevent most, if not all, firearm suicides in America.

No, the answer isn’t Red Flag laws or voluntary, or the temporary surrender of firearms in time of mental health decline or crisis, and the answer isn’t trigger locks and safe storage of firearms with guns unloaded and ammunition kept separate and locked, and it isn’t more stringent firearms legislation, including mandatory waiting periods particularly for handguns, and it most certainly isn’t a serious and critical re-evaluation of the legitimacy and even sanity of the forever sacred 2nd Amendment that was written when the average firearm of the day could fire a maximum of 3 typically inaccurate rounds per minute.

Nay, sirs; these meaningless and tawdry measures are those of the effete liberal elite, false flags that would weaken the exalted and imperious Land of the Free and leave her helplessly vulnerable to being devoured by Communist cretins both foreign and domestic. Don’t believe any silly snowflake who tells you that any of these measures, or even all of them combined, could have saved even one life lost to firearm suicide.